A Nation Healing: Pepsi Flavored Ketchup
July 4th is just about here, but this year it feels less patriotic and more like Christmas. PepsiCo has unveiled their Pepsi flavored Ketchup today, June 27th 2023. It will be sold at four different baseball parks this holiday. If that doesn’t make you want to drunkenly shout the national anthem from a lifted diesel pick up truck then I don’t know what will. My feelings on baseball still remain the same, but this has definitely made me more optimistic about the future of the sport if this type of condiment debauchery is allowed. I don’t know what I expected really, we are living in a time that is headlined by crazy combos. There is Hot Cheeto Mountain Dew, Grimace flavored milkshakes, burgers with Krispy Kreme donuts as the buns, and IPA’s brewed with every fucking citrus fruit imaginable. Our lust for crazy combos and cultural boundary breaking is just a reflection of our present day society. We want to bend the rigid structure of society into one big fuck fest grey area. The only way to do that is to start with what we eat.
It starts with the sauces I’m telling you. People need sauce. Food these day’s is just a dry vehicle for the sauce so you don’t feel as bad spooning it down your gullet. This half-ass proud nation was founded on condiments, and we have continually prioritized them as the foundation of most gross meals. I don’t mind either. I stand firm on sauce prioritization, if I don’t get 4-6 Chick Fil-A sauces with my meal I contemplate if I should eat the food or just run a sander over my tongue. The sauce is imperative to the meal these days.
Now this Pepsi Ketchup is only being sold on the 4th of July in four ball parks. Yankee Stadium, Detroit, Minnesota, and Arizona. I don’t care enough about the other three ballparks name, if your team was any decent then it would make enough money to through the team name up as the stadium name, but I digress. I am more surprised that this is being released in Yankee Stadium than the other three. I know it’s in the Bronx which is just Yankee stadium and a bunch of tire store rackets, But the Yankees try to hold themselves with an image of having a little more class than everyone else. Arizona was spot on to test it out, makes the most sense for Pepsi Ketchup. Just the perfect state demographic for gross people. Minnesota and Detroit are meh markets for it, don’t think they’ll move the needle too much. I am really shocked it didn’t find its way down south. Definitely would’ve thought a Texas team and Florida team would have been hot markets for this Pepsi Ketchup. You need people with no regard for their health for your test market, and that is the entirety of the south. There is a direct correlation to deaths by heart disease and how popular Jesus is in a state. Something about preaching the good word just makes an entire region want to deep fry their arteries. To deny the good people of the Bible Belt Pepsi Ketchup is sinful by PepsiCo, and I strongly recommend they reconsider their product distribution - or else…
Overall it should be a good 4th regardless if you decide to lather your dog in some Pepsi Ketchup or drink yourself blind at a family BBQ. If you do try the Pepsi Ketchup please let FND know how you feel, the 24 hours that follow, the toilet repercussions, etc.. The people need to know, a lot of the country won’t be able to appreciate this sauce so it is on you to make sure you enjoy every drop of it. God Bless this country, and all you beautiful shit pigs.
