How to Fix Baseball

I don’t mind baseball. But I am not going to act like it is not painfully boring to watch. Not as bad as golf, but still its too slow. “iTs AMeRicaS paSt TIMe!”. I beg to differ, drinking and driving holds that record still. I know they’ve made changes to speed up the game, and keep the people engaged but it lacks the flavor that this generation of desensitized cucks need. I have taken the burden upon myself to spice this geriatric activity up. My proposals will be concerned with the players, stadiums, uniforms/equipment, and concessions.

Players:

I’m not the first person to say this, and I won’t be the last. Get these guys on roids. Everyone should look like Aaron Judge, even the base coaches should like fridges. Keep them juiced to the gills through season. Pitchers can throw 115 mph, hitters are cranking 600ft HR’s. What will really blow peoples loads is the increase in storming the mound. These junkies will have the thinnest patience due to the steroids stripping them of serotonin tossing their moods into violent spins. Every game is a guaranteed blood bath, it brings another dimension to the field. Half of baseball training will have to be Muy-Thai camps now. The relief pitcher you bring in during the 6th better be able to throw a slider with a 10” break and throw a clean question mark quick or else he’s going to get his solar plexus shattered on live tv.

Stadiums:

Stadiums are nice until you’re actually in them. Sure some have a rich historic feel to them but I say let the homeless live in them and bang. But I can only solve so many issues at once. The stadiums are too big. It needs to be compressed, by a whole lot. Baseball games should be played in this scaled racket ball court cage. There should be walls enclosing the entire field and stadium seating. The bouncing ability of the ball should be 10x more. The fear of an awkward ricochet from a hit should worry every single person in there. Seating is dramatically dropped to a few 100 people. Attendance is now for die hard fans only, and people who are into harm kinks. Players are now burdened with possibility of seriously injuring fans, teammates, and opponents. The true ethics of the game will be revealed in the cage.

Uniforms/Equipment:

I am always appalled that this game is played in the dead of summer in pants. I get it they need them for sliding. But under these new proposals we will do away with them. Players can have the options of long denim shorts, or cargos pants that zip off into shorts. Naturally my assumption is that most of the Latino players will gravitate towards the denim shorts, and most games will look like a front yard cook out. However I think the duality of the cargo shorts is going be incredibly well received by the players too. All the pockets in the world to hold sunflower seeds, gum, dip, and spider tac. The jerseys can stay so we can have some idea on who is who on each team. But sleeves can be cut I feel to get a full range of motion on swings. As for equipment it should be determined at how good you are. For players who suck they should be given XL Mitts and a tennis racket. For players who are way too good or get better they will use increasingly more difficult items to play with. You start the season with a standard mitt and bat. But you could finish up the year swinging with a fishing rod and fielding with a bio-degrabable grocery bag. Also no sun glasses. Learn to use the sun to your advantage, high noon day games should be concerning to play in.

Concession Stands:

Concession stands actually don’t need to change that much, just their interaction with the game will be more enhanced. They are the shepherds of the ball park, and the fans their sheep. There should be an obligation they hold to get 85% of the fans hammered. They should have an attendee list for their section. With the stadium brought down to just a few hundred people its manageable. The concession workers can manage a ledger for the seating section that tracks alcohol intake. If fans in the section are not blowing near a .2 BAC by the 7th inning stretch they can take it upon themselves to start pouring doubles, spike their drink with acid, or pause the game completely and make the entire section shotgun race with four lokos. The fans are just as much of a team as the players on the field are. They are competing against other sections of the stadium, and it relies on the concession workers to keep their section the most inebriated. They compete for their freedom, and food. While the beers and cocktails are still $50, the food is free if you win. Free soggy chicken tenders on the house. There will be condiments naturally, you can have your choice of mustard, ketchup, or mayo if you’re a freak. Of course the dispensers will be sticky all over and the dispenser mouth itself will be covered in old crusty condiment layers so when you crank down on the thing it will give you a hunk of dried out ketchup from last month.

Now you most likely don’t agree with a solid majority of what I just said, and thats fine. I wanted to verbally wipe my ass with tradition of baseball because I have the attention span of 6 year old and cant watch a game in full. To each their own, I am a fair weather fan and will probably have some nicer things to say come October.